Steam Charts: Bubbling Trousers Edition

Plop Ten

Feature by John Walker Co-founder

Published on July 15, 2019

It's another dire old week in Chartland, with the last breaths of the Summer Sale ensuring, with the exception of spots #4 and #5, that all the usual suspects dominate. But we won't let that change us! We're better than this! We're going to have fun anyway!

10. Cyberpunk 2077

In the 1970s there was punk, an anarchic response to the decade's flamboyant mainstream rock music, accompanied by a subculture of youthful rebellion just in time for the rise of Thatcherism in the UK.

In the 1990s there was post-punk, a far more commercial endeavour in which punk-influenced bands like Green Day, Rancid and (the best one) NOFX found a more chart-friendly approach with the infusion of pop, and the abandoning of anything genuinely counter-cultural.

In the 2000s there was nu-punk, a demoralising dirge of a man trying to do a shouty rap while another man sang angrily about his feelings, that had absolutely nothing to do with punk whatsoever and was a grotesque offence to the very concept. It was all MTV2's fault. Fortunately everyone in all those bands is in prison now.

In the 2010s there has yet to be any punk of any note. Which, given the trend, is probably for the best.

In the 2070s there will be cyber punk, in which people will have metal mohawks and computerised chips in their arms that allow the digital transfer of how much they don't like the Queen. It will be enormously tiresome.

PS. You are most likely to be dead by 2077.

9. Rust

Third week in a row, so it's officially a Thing. It's time for our weekly delve into Rust's amazing Suggestions list.

While I'm very tempted by XenPhRr's declaration that they should "Fix high external wall placment" because "theyre more fucked than my big toe", I've gone with Skeyli:

Skeyli really loves bones.

8. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt - Game of the Year Edition

While I've been quite loud in my criticism of those pre-ordering Cyberpunk a year before the game's finished, I've not yet added my concerns over those who are pre-ordering The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt, which has also yet to be released.

The reason for my silence thus far is due to the amount of research I've had to put in to prove my case, as this is a far more controversial issue. While I've long suspected that CDPR will never finish development of The Witcher 3, I've noticed an increasing number of sites acting as though it were released years ago, even going so far as to retrospectively date fictional reviews. But why? Well, I'll be able to reveal all over the next few issues of The Steam Charts. Stay tuned for what people are already describing as a stunning exposé.

7. Total War: Three Kingdoms

This week's far more exciting game to play is the original Heretic, with an amazing mod that runs it in super-widescreen, while maintaining the beautiful original graphics, and gives it mouselook to make it possible to play in the modern fashion with mouse/keyboard.

You can get Heretic: Shadow Of The Serpent Riders for £3 on Steam (or better yet, pick it up with Hexen, Deathkings Of The Dark Citadel, and Hexen II, for £6 total). Then you want to get yourself a copy of GZDoom and follow the instructions here. And then to get rid of the awful gloopy graphics it mods in, go into the options and look for Render Mode. The result:

6. Octopath Traveller

Argh, of the two games this week that aren't dreary regulars, one of them is FORCING me to just do a stupid Kieron Gillen reference, and the other is an 80 hour JRPG about which I know absolutely nothing. Other than that Katharine wrote a completely superb review of it that called out its serious issues.

At least I've spelt its name correctly, unlike the game itself. As indeed I shall for...

5. Earth Defence Force 5

EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF! EDF!

4. Flibble Glibble Pants

What’s Another Thing You Could Buy Instead Of GTA V Again?

This pocket-sized grappling hook.

3. Monster Hunter World

Rather than write anything about this bloody game yet again, I think I'll update you about my cat, Lucy. As Graham kindly mentioned last week, she was the victim of what we think must have been a human attack. She very nearly died. Extraordinarily, after two weeks in intensive care, she's now home again, and while her lower jaw is wired together, there's a tube emerging from the side of her neck, and instead of a tail she has only a swollen horror-stump, she's very much alive. And just as irritating as ever. So thank you very much to everyone who expressed concern, and to those who so very generously donated toward the GoFundMe that very definitely kept her alive. Somehow she is already back to sleeping like this:

2. Plunkbat

Sometimes I worry you've forgotten to listen to Passion Pit's epic Little Secrets for YEARS:

1. Valve Index VR Kit

I shall confess to being a little thrown by the top spot going to Valve's VR goggles. I'm genuinely surprised if they're really selling this well, although it's worth noting that this is a chart of gross income, rather than number of sales, so you're pitting £1000 sales against the regular £40 sales. It can sell fewer by a mammoth factor of 25 and still get there. It's probably also worth remembering that these charts are compiled by Valve, so...

Still, I hope everyone who's bought them is already rehearsing their future statements for why it doesn't actually matter that bugger all games were released that made them worth having, because they just loved playing Skyrim yet again but slightly more awkwardly, and, um, don't you know that DOCTORS use them now?! Also I bet those base units make for excellent paper weights.

The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam's internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week. The Steam Charts steals all its amazing classic game screenshots from the wonderful MobyGames.